I’m a mess. No, I’m a disaster. I feel like every illness I have is acting up all at once. We think I am in a bipolar mixed state, which has me making big plans and lists and to dos, and no energy or will to do them. My sleep is like I’m not getting any sleep at all, I wake up as tired as I went to bed. I’ve been falling asleep at random times, I actually fell asleep at the wheel a few times, not good! I had a PTSD nightmare, one of the worst I’ve ever had. It was like I was awake and asleep at the same time and I could physically feel all of it. It was horrid. My anxiety has been berserk for weeks now. I had one night where I almost went to the hospital, if DH would have taken me. My HR was 137, I was sweating bullets even though I had just taken a literal cold shower to stop the sweating, so I was freezing too. Awful panic attack, don’t know how I made it through that night.

As far as the mixed state, we looked it up in the diagnostics book and I fit the criteria, but it could be something else masquerading as a mixed state, I don’t know. Hopefully my psych doc will be able to tell the difference. I’ve made list upon list, started on a website that helps you make routines and, you guessed it, lists! But I don’t have the energy to get anything done, I feel lethargic and depressed.

Sleep has been weird. DH says that I’m out like a light at night, but I’m no better for it in the morning. I don’t remember any dreams but I have woken up with panic attacks. Except the night I had the all night long PTSD nightmare. What a hellish night that was!

Last week I had that really severe panic attack. But I’ve been having increasingly worse panic attacks for several weeks. I’ve not had one that bad since but the one the morning after the PTSD nightmare was pretty bad, I almost hyperventilated.

I feel like I’m not functioning. I take my kids to school and back, but not every day because I sometimes start nodding off beforehand and I know to get DH to get the kids. Had two people ask me if I had developed narcolepsy suddenly. Man I hope not. Don’t they take your license away for that? Anyway, I need to be able to function, I feel like I’m just… a waste of space right now. I feel like I can’t do much of anything, I just want to stop all this disaster going on with me and get to a semblance of normal.

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