Hope is doing wonderfully, even when I fail to train her as much as she should be trained, she still manages to remember all her training with no problems. She’s still having a hard time outside. The backyard she does okay unless there is a loud noise, but we can usually work through that. The front yard is only okay when it is dark out, then she wants to sniff and explore and will actually go potty.

I had a really bad nightmare/PTSD episode and woke up with a panic attack. I was such a mess that morning, Hope crawled into my lap with her chewy and just stayed there for 30 or 40 minutes. Every time I tried to type/journal about it, my anxiety went up and she would paw at my hands and sit on my arms so I could not. Such an intuitive puppy! She’s been doing smaller things similar to this, but this was the first really obvious, really big deal. So proud of her!

I’m not doing well, which is one of the reasons we have not been training as much as we should. I’m having extremely high anxiety and have been for like 3 weeks now if not longer. Now I’m having panic attacks, about 3+ a day and PTSD started acting up about a week ago. I’m hanging on by a thin wire, I don’t know how I’m staying awake (I’m napping a lot). But Hope slept through the night, and peed on the pee pad instead of waking me up, so proud of her! Now to get her to keep sleeping through the night so I won’t be as tired. But then the nightmares aren’t helping in that department either.

As far as self care goes… I’m not really doing any. I haven’t taken a shower in like 4 days, I’m not eating right, I haven’t done anything to help me relax and take care of me. That has to change. So today I’m going to take that long hot bath I’ve been dreaming about having, with epsom salts and lavender. I had chai instead of coffee this morning, and I think I’ll completely switch from coffee except on the days I have therapy, I always either get a latte or a chai from Starbucks on those days. I think that I need to quit coffee altogether, chai does not have as much caffeine, but the chai does have the sugar in it. My stomach is not sugar sensitive, but that doesn’t mean I need to have it.

So I’m going to challenge myself to do self care/coping skills for the next three days, at least three things a day. From that hot bath to shaving my legs, I want to take care of me, especially since I am in such a fragile state right now. Get out the paints and do my paint by number, chalk pastels, crochet, baking, anything that is relaxing. Baking has not been relaxing of late because it is an I have to do this so my family can eat kind of thing. It’s nice to be useful though.

Saw my psych doc yesterday, we are going down on one of my sleeping meds that causes weight gain, don’t need that working against me! And we tripled one of my anxiety meds. I was on the very lowest dose and the highest dose I’m still far from. But since it worked a little the first time I started taking it, that means it may actually work if we up the dose to where my body needs it to be. And we are hoping that with less anxiety, I’ll be able to sleep better. My insomnia hasn’t been an issue for a little while, but then I’ve had a puppy disrupting my sleep, so who knows! Had to take a drug test, I was fine with it, but want to know why mental health patients have to take one and not welfare recipients? IJS.

Saw my therapist today, and she helped me work out a few things. We still don’t know why my anxiety is so high, but she is hoping the med changes will help. We went over some of the PTSD stuff I’m going through. I’m wondering if part of it isn’t because I left a door open to my brother, who can email me at any time for my Grandmother’s estate. It leaves me on edge, wondering when he is going to email me. That and my niece has not talked to me in quite a while, and I’m wondering if she is upset with me or anything. My nephew is going to come visit me in November, and i can’t wait! I get to meet my great nieces and nephew!

I’m also worried about training Hope, the trainer says I’m doing great, but I feel like because of my anxiety I’m not training her enough. I’m working on it, but I am one worn out Flea. Maybe the self care and starting exercising again will help me feel more like me again and get more energy. Exercise is considered self care, so I’m adding it to my daily list. I need to do self care for Hope too, such as brushing her fur and cleaning her face with a wipe in the mornings to get the sleep out of her eyes and deodorize her fur. So self care all around!


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