Hope took over Pickles spot on the first step to the 2nd floor. It looked like she tried to join him and he looked so put out that he got up. She is a ball of energy most of the time and a happy, sleepy puppy the rest. Till around 1 or 2 AM. Then we want Mommy and not the kennel and nothing will do except to be up and play or lay down with me, there is no in between. Last night was that plus teething and we had a rough night!

I love watching DH and her play in the evenings, it’s so cute!

I’m trying to relax because my anxiety is so bad right now. I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack or throw up. I’m depressed and feeling guilty about it and trying to hide it and coming off irritable instead. I don’t think I should be depressed, I have so much good going on right now, I really do. I have been slowly getting more and more depressed for over a week now. I was hoping that getting Hope would jolt me out of my depression, but no such luck. Don’t get me wrong, I love her, she warms my heart and I’m as overjoyed as I can be right now to have her. I’m actually kinda in shock that I have her. I’ve been dreaming of this and working toward this for years. That this has actually happened is amazing.

My emotions are somewhat messed up right now. I keep numbing, and not meaning to. When something major or serious happens, it’s like my emotions go on vacation. Not good. It’s not all the time. And it’s not necessarily those particular reasons… something that would normally scare the pee out of me, my emotions drop and I’m numb before I can react. Working on the reasons and how long this has been going on and all that jazz. I don’t know the reasons for it yet, but hopefully I can journal and work on it and get to the root cause. Mom used to say theses things were like bermuda grass. You could kill one spot but it’s roots would spread underneath and it would pop up in other places, making you think it was a different grass when it was the same one you thought you had taken care of. Problem is, I have no idea how to go about doing this.

Had a panic attack on the way home from therapy. Hope was in her harness buckled in. She moved as far as she could toward me, into the cup holders, and reached her head out and put it on my leg and just stayed there the whole way home. It really helped, I just petted her and breathed and managed to not have to pull over. She’s so sweet!

Pickles is having a time of it. He wants to play with Hope, and he does in little spurts. Then he will catch himself and stop. I don’t know why he is so standoffish. But they are getting along a lot better than I thought they would. He is doing awesome. And when I train them together, I can say ‘Hope, sit.’ And he won’t go for the treat. Can’t say the same for her, she wants all the treats, but we are working on it. We are working on sit and today started on down (lay down) she is a superstar and is doing great at both!!

Hope is sleeping right now, against my foot, so I can’t move much. I brought my computer downstairs because she does not seem to like the office very much. Don’t blame her, it’s too small a space for her to play much, and I get on my computer and have my back to her. Downstairs I can see her and move my computer out of the way and all that jazz. She’s sleeping a lot today, which I hope means she will still sleep tonight. I think after 5 I’m going to try to keep her awake till I go to bed.

Hope was in bed when I put my cpap on last night, first night for that. She came over and pawed and nosed at it trying to get it off of me, lol. I had to take it off and reassure her it was okay.

Lots about to be going on, this week is like the calm before the storm. We are about to become very busy, and I’m dreading it. But, someone’s gotta do it! Having company, Princess’s birthday, and all the starting school nonsense. Then I get to start taking them to school every morning and picking them up every evening. At least between that and training Hope I will get more into a schedule and that will be good for me.


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