Living with anxiety is difficult, to say the least. There is always the possibility for me that my anxiety will get so bad I’ll have a panic attack. And that worry, causes more anxiety. Just about everything causes more anxiety. Some days are easy peasy, my anxiety stays at a 3 or 4 which is easier to deal with.
But lately my anxiety has been high from the moment I wake up, till the moment I fitfully fall asleep. Around a 7 or 8. On mornings it is this bad I do what I can to relax and try to bring my anxiety level down. I take my coffee out on the deck (could not today because it rained and I left the chairs out), I do my paint by number, I sit and read; anything that might calm me down. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem to be working of late.
Everything gives me anxiety. Going grocery shopping, even though I try to go to the same store every time, by the end of my shopping trip I’m near a panic attack, which I usually end up having in the car. I force myself to make it through till I get to the car. And then there are days I can’t and it is too much and I only get about half of the shopping done. Which means I have to go back later or the next day. Just thinking about that is giving me anxiety. Simple things like going to the park, meeting friends, phone calls, texting… just about everything gives me anxiety.
Right now the most frustrating part is that I’m doing good otherwise. I have more energy, I’m doing more around the house and outside of the house. Overall I’m doing great, except the anxiety. Anxiety is a sneaky thing, popping up when you least expect it. Sometimes I can be out enjoying myself and suddenly I’m drowning in anxiety near a panic attack. It jumbles my thoughts, makes me forget things or stutter.
This morning I’m going to an appointment with my dietitian, and my anxiety is sounding warning bells in my head for no gosh darn reason. I have driven this way many times, though there is bridge construction right now and I hate driving over bridges, makes my anxiety worse. No way to get around it as the lake makes shortcuts impossible. I feel frozen with anxiety, but I need this appointment, so I will go anyway. Don’t ask me how I push through the anxiety to do things, I don’t know. I just do. Most of the time I end up having a panic attack because I push myself too far.
I’m not eating this morning, even though I should, because if I eat something I will mostly likely throw it up. Yes I’m that anxious today.
Anxiety makes the most easy things in the world so hard. One vacation I didn’t do my usual routine of how I lock the door, I just locked it and got in the car. The whole vacation I was an anxious mess because I thought for sure I did not close it right and it was windy and the door would blow open and we would be robbed.
Sometimes I’m having a nice easy going conversation with a friend when anxiety rears its head. I’ll start shaking, eye twitching, having trouble thinking and feel like an absolute fool. My voice quavers, and I have trouble coming up with more conversation because in my head I’m berating myself, and telling myself to stop. This is my friend, I’ve no reason to be anxious talking to her! But anxiety doesn’t need a reason, it just is.
And crowds! Oh my goodness! I won’t even go into crowds if I don’t have to. I have GAD and SAD (Generalized and Social Anxiety Disorder). GAD means I have anxiety for no reason really, it just happens. At one point I had to take pictures of my car in park before I went in places because I would have anxiety that my car would not be fully in park and would roll and hit something. Social anxiety means I have a hard time with people, especially crowds. Church is really difficult for me. I want to get to know the people, but at the same time I have so much anxiety that saying hello is like impossible.
Sometimes I get so anxious I get confused. I don’t like to be out of sight of the entrance/exit to a building, especially stores I’m not used to. I have gotten lost before in stores. I’ve been lost in parking lots trying to find my car, trying not to cry because I feel so stupid being so confused. Now I always park in a place I can remember easily.
I could go on, but there is so much on the subject already out there. I’m having such a problem with it right now that I thought it would be a good time to write a post on it.