I don’t want to gush… but I’m going to! I LOVE Thrive! If it hadn’t been for Thrive this week I would have been wrecked! I’m still getting little sleep and suddenly it got worse, like 1-2 hours of sleep a night worse. And if I had not had my Thrive to take, to keep me going, I would not have. Kept going that is. I even had one day where even with Thrive I was a wreck. I can’t afford to be a wreck, I have too much to get done!! We have too much going on… But I’ll tell you a secret. I’m waking up thinking that the kids or someone has woken me. I’ve even woken talking to DH because I thought he said something. I’ve gotten up looking for the kids trying to figure out where they went, who was talking to me. *sigh*

So I jumped the gun. I love Thrive so much, and my psychiatrist has been so incompetent so far, I bought a product called Rest that is not only supposed to help get you to sleep, but help you stay sleep too. It’s called SGT Rest (Sequential Gel Technology). Kinda expensive, but my health is worth it, I’m slowly (and a little more quickly with every day) crumbling, and I can’t afford that, there is too much to do! Too much going on. So I bought the supplement and I bought Pure, basically an herbal, vitamin energy shot. That is for days like Thursday when I just can’t keep going and need the extra shove. You only get twelve per order, so not an everyday thing.

But surprisingly, my psychiatrist ordered a new med for me that is supposed to do what the Rest does, help you stay asleep. I won’t get it till Monday, so I’m going to use Rest till then (it gets in today) .  I can’t wait to get some sleep and actually wake up rested. I don’t expect to spring awake and refreshed, I’ll be happy with not being so exhausted all the time! And not being up at 0300.

I think I got two hours of sleep so far… wait no, I didn’t fall asleep the first time I was in bed, I just laid there slowly getting more uncomfortable till I got a cough. The second time I fell asleep for at least an hour and got up around 0130 or 0200. I’m taking some anxiety meds, maybe that will help me to sleep. It is 0325 and I need at least an hour or two more of sleep to be of any use tomorrow. DH told me all I was doing on messenger yesterday was complaining about how tired I am. I don’t mean to, I’m just that tired. It’s all consuming. I can’t do much when I’m this exhausted, it’s hard to keep track of thoughts to, do things, to think, to do anything. It’s not just physical exhaustion, it’s mental and emotional too. My brain needs a break, some sleep! I don’t want to do anything, because it takes so much energy to do anything when you are this tired. We are talking MONTHS of not enough sleep. I really want to play this game that DH bought for me that he plays but it takes too much mental energy and I’m just so exhausted.

On the bright side, Thrive is working Amazingly. I’m on week five now of the 8 week experience, and I’m loving it. I was getting more sleep, till this week when my sleep decided to get up and go without me. I usually have more energy, it’s allowed me to have some energy through all this mess with my sleep, I’m in a better mood most of the time, I’ve started a ‘yelling challenge.’ I Yell too much, I’m loud to much and I didn’t used to be, so I made a ‘yelling jar’ and everytime me or the kids catch me yelling for no good reason, when a soft voice could have done the same thing, I have to put a quarter in it. However, flip side, if the kids don’t listen and I end up having to yell to get them to pay attention, they are grounded from electronics for the rest of the day. Thrive wakes me up better than coffee ever did. I quit coffee for the most part. Though I really want a cup right now!!

Speaking of sleep I just got about 2 more hours (separately), so that makes three! But I woke up coughing, so I’m going to use a tessalon perle tomorrow night after the first hint of coughing… or maybe I’ll just take it when I go to bed. I wish I could have gone to the doctor’s office and gotten some, but we need to save money. We have 5 left so I’ll take one every other night. Besides, the coughing may have been worse tonight, but it is not the only thing keeping me up.

And the big topic, for me at least, the service dog. I want one so badly. I know a service dog is not going to fix me, that is not what I’m looking for. But I’m afraid it’s not going to happen. I’m sad to say I may have to give up. And now I’m crying. And I don’t cry at hardly anything. I don’t want to give up, but who am I kidding. We’ll never get to save to the amount of money we need for it. Every time I save money it gets used for something else. I’m so sad, I can’t quit crying and now Laurel just came down the stairs and I have to explain why I’m crying. This makes me want to give up on everything. Having the dog symbolizes so much, and would help so much. Now I’m so depressed. No the dog is not a miracle cure, but… I can’t explain it. For one, I’ve always have had big dogs, they make me feel… more secure? And two… I can’t explain it. But thinking of giving up… there I go crying again. Laurel is trying to console me and say I’ll get a dog one day, but, what if that day never comes? I feel like weeping. But with Laurel up I can’t. Must hold back the tears. I don’t want to give up on this dream, this goal, this hope, but I think I really need to consider it. :'( It’s just not going to happen. Not the way we spend money, not the way we can’t seem to save. There I go crying again. Damn.


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